Con Air (1997)

Could've been good. But you know, Nicholas Cage and I aren't exactly besties (unlike Nic and Jerry B, apparently.)

Con Air
Rating: C+
Watched it: 11/26/10

How to begin....? First off, if this movie had been devoid of Nic Cage, I probably would've liked it better. It was a moderately intriguing plot, and not entirely unbelievable. Some good fights, car/plane chases, a few of those walking-away-from-exlposions scenes that every good action flick needs.

But I'm sorry, remind me 1) why Nicholas Cage was in this movie (action hero the guy is not), and 2) why he was supposed to be from Alabama?? Because (and trust me on this, I've lived in the South my whole life), NO ONE talks like that. Except, apparently, Nic's so-not-believable Army Ranger-turned-convict Alabaman. His wife sounds normal, his daughter sounds normal, everyone else in the whole freaking movie sounds normal, but not Mr. I-don't-need-a-language-coach. The fact that he's from the South ONLY comes up in the "gentleman" cliche several other characters mention (as being his one flaw, of course--that he has to help people. Darn that Nic Cage and his insatiable charity!)...and let me tell you, not every guy in the South is a gentleman. There are plenty of beer-brained hicks, too. And then normal people. We have a few of those.

Anyway, plot. Nicholas Cage ("Cameron Poe") is an Army Ranger who just got home, I guess, and he goes to meet his wife at a bar, where some guy starts a fight with him because his wife is pretty. Or something. Being an Army Ranger, Poe can take on the guy and all his friends in a fight, and "accidentally" kills the guy in self defense. Okay, I guess I can believe that. So he goes off to prison for eight years, during which time his hair becomes grotesquely long and his wife has their baby. Poe is getting out on parole, finally, on his daughter's birthday, and he gets put on a transfer plane with all these high-security guys and Poe's diabetic cell-mate (we're not totally sure why). The super-criminals (serial killers, rapists, etc.) take over the plane, killing most of the guards.

Eventually, Poe saves the girl guard, his diabetic friend, and the day. Shocker, right? The bit where they have to crash-land on the Strip in Las Vegas is kinda funny. :)

You may like Con Air if you like...

• Jerry Bruckheimer. This is one of his many action/dramas (see National Treasure (also Nic Cage), Pirates of the Caribbean, The Sorcerer's Apprentice (also Nic Cage), Prince of Persia (not Nic Cage, thank God!), and TV shows like CSI). The man is nothing if not in it for the money.
• probably other "suspenseful" type movies, where you know what's going to happen but you enjoy watching it anyway (e.g., Transformers, Spider-Man, Mission: Impossible, etc.)

You may not like Con Air if you like...

• only chick flicks and indie dramas, I guess?
• well, if you don't like Nic Cage, you'll likely feel the same way I do. which is "eh."
• straight-up comedies.

All told, it's not such a horrible movie. If I thought so, I would've given it a lower rating. Contrary to the tenor of my review, it's actually kind of fun to watch. Except Nicholas Cage with long hair, in a wife-beater, strolling nonchalantly away from an explosion. PLEASE, someone, get that image out of my head!

Buffy the Vampire Slayer: The Movie (1992)

If you took the absolute worst of the 80s and the embarrassing little sister the 90s kept locked in the cellar, then you smooshed them together, this is still worse.

Buffy the Vampire Slayer: The Movie
Rating: D
Watched it: 11/24/10

Don't get me wrong,  I LOVE Buffy Summers. But my first introduction was to SMG's Buffy, not this 90s campy cheesefest, starring no-better-than-child-actor Kristy Swanson and helmed by someone whose name I get confused with Banjo Kazooie's. Joss wrote this script, but I have it on good authority (yes, other than my own experience watching this atrocity) that they made pretty severe cuts and additions--enough to make it almost entirely unrecognizable as Joss Whedon (which, let me tell you, is no easy task). It's full of 80s slang (which may be unavoidable but is certainly inexcusable), Full House fashion on cheap steroids, and sloppy plot devices (Buffy gets cramps whenever vampires are near. Inconvenient much?). Plus, the Big Bad (before we called them that), is worse than any movie Dracula I've ever seen (and he stakes LA Giles! Donald Sutherland. Weird).

One may make the argument that it's a vampire movie, what did you expect? However, even Twilight did better. I'm serious. And anyway, only 5 years later, Joss made vampires work. Sure, the first few seasons had a kind of Power Ranger-y vibe to the makeup, but at least the vampires VAMPED and the Slayer DUSTED. Oh, and isn't "I'm a vampire slayer" the kind of thing you keep to yourself if at all possible? TV Buffy thought so, but movie Buffy is so self-centered and teenagery (in the worst, california sense) that her superhero status is just kind of cool and something to be shared with anyone who asks. Also, sadly, her parents are both d-bags and Merrick is.... so not Rupert Giles. I really can't help but compare the movie to the TV show, but considering how much better the show is, how can you blame me? The show had its less-than-glorious moments, sure, but at least their school dance didn't consist of doughnut hair (Kristy Swanson. Go back and watch it.) and gaudy-licious weapons-grade costume jewelry.

Plot-wise, "I Robot, You Jane" was better (and that is widely recognized as one of the worst Buffy episodes). Buffy the cheerleader finds out she's Buffy the vampire slayer from a creepy old guy. She uses her cheerleading skills (remaining, of course, a cheerleader at heart), ditches her shallow friends for some creepy college drop-out with a soul patch, fights the seniors-turned-vamps who show up at her school dance because Hilary Swank "invited" them, and somehow completes her mission and slays the Big Bad. I don't even remember what they called him--it was that silly.

I've got nothing against camp, generally, and very little against legit vampires. But this was an abuse of camp and of vamp, and it's no wonder people don't like to talk about it.
Go watch the TV show!


You may like BTVS: The Movie if you like...

• you're on your own here. sorry.
• see below for some suggestions on stuff that's better.

You may not like BTVS: The Movie if you like...

• Joss Whedon's legitimate brainchild, BTVS: The Series. (Which many of us just affectionately call Buffy.)
• drama from this era (e.g., The Shawshank Redemption, Pulp Fiction, The Silence of the Lambs, Reservoir Dogs) 
• drama from any era (e.g., The Godfather, Memento, Apocalypse Now, The Departed)
• legit (intentional) comedy (e.g., The Hangover, The Blues Brothers, Dr. Strangelove, How to Train Your Dragon, Monty Python, The Princess Bride)

(PS-- See my latest Tube post for a quick rant on the rumored BTVS reboot)

The Paper Chase (1973)

My dad recorded this, so I did him a solid and we watched it when I was home for the weekend.

The Paper Chase
Rating: C-
Watched it: 10/9/10

Not to be judgmental or whatever, but this was such a 70s movie. The way Lost Boys is an 80s movie. You don't even have to know it was made in the 70s to know it was made in the 70s, if you know what I mean. I won't say I hated it, and it wasn't a "terrible" movie, but it kind of reminded me of a really horrible law school copy of Dead Poets' Society, which I love. Only, unlike DPS, The Paper Chase didn't seem to have a point. It's about grades, then it's about priorities, then it's about being liked by a professor, then it's not about grades or priorities or being liked by a professor, and then he makes his grade report into a paper airplane and throws it into the ocean. The premise was okay, and I thought I might be okay with it, but it fell woefully short of even my (relatively) low expectations.


You may like The Paper Chase if you like...

• 70s movies generally (excluding gems like The Godfather)
• I don't even know what else. Some websites suggest Good Will Hunting, but I love that movie, so I'm loath to lump it with this unimpressive specimen.

You may not like The Paper Chase if you like...

• comedies. Funny, it isn't.
• conclusive films (that is, movies with endings that make sense)
• sappy movies. There's a sprinkling of romance, because that's just what you do, but I was significantly underwhelmed. I'd almost rather have the sap.......... Well, no. But the romance in this movie was token at best.