Buffy the Vampire Slayer: The Movie (1992)

If you took the absolute worst of the 80s and the embarrassing little sister the 90s kept locked in the cellar, then you smooshed them together, this is still worse.

Buffy the Vampire Slayer: The Movie
Rating: D
Watched it: 11/24/10

Don't get me wrong,  I LOVE Buffy Summers. But my first introduction was to SMG's Buffy, not this 90s campy cheesefest, starring no-better-than-child-actor Kristy Swanson and helmed by someone whose name I get confused with Banjo Kazooie's. Joss wrote this script, but I have it on good authority (yes, other than my own experience watching this atrocity) that they made pretty severe cuts and additions--enough to make it almost entirely unrecognizable as Joss Whedon (which, let me tell you, is no easy task). It's full of 80s slang (which may be unavoidable but is certainly inexcusable), Full House fashion on cheap steroids, and sloppy plot devices (Buffy gets cramps whenever vampires are near. Inconvenient much?). Plus, the Big Bad (before we called them that), is worse than any movie Dracula I've ever seen (and he stakes LA Giles! Donald Sutherland. Weird).

One may make the argument that it's a vampire movie, what did you expect? However, even Twilight did better. I'm serious. And anyway, only 5 years later, Joss made vampires work. Sure, the first few seasons had a kind of Power Ranger-y vibe to the makeup, but at least the vampires VAMPED and the Slayer DUSTED. Oh, and isn't "I'm a vampire slayer" the kind of thing you keep to yourself if at all possible? TV Buffy thought so, but movie Buffy is so self-centered and teenagery (in the worst, california sense) that her superhero status is just kind of cool and something to be shared with anyone who asks. Also, sadly, her parents are both d-bags and Merrick is.... so not Rupert Giles. I really can't help but compare the movie to the TV show, but considering how much better the show is, how can you blame me? The show had its less-than-glorious moments, sure, but at least their school dance didn't consist of doughnut hair (Kristy Swanson. Go back and watch it.) and gaudy-licious weapons-grade costume jewelry.

Plot-wise, "I Robot, You Jane" was better (and that is widely recognized as one of the worst Buffy episodes). Buffy the cheerleader finds out she's Buffy the vampire slayer from a creepy old guy. She uses her cheerleading skills (remaining, of course, a cheerleader at heart), ditches her shallow friends for some creepy college drop-out with a soul patch, fights the seniors-turned-vamps who show up at her school dance because Hilary Swank "invited" them, and somehow completes her mission and slays the Big Bad. I don't even remember what they called him--it was that silly.

I've got nothing against camp, generally, and very little against legit vampires. But this was an abuse of camp and of vamp, and it's no wonder people don't like to talk about it.
Go watch the TV show!


You may like BTVS: The Movie if you like...

• you're on your own here. sorry.
• see below for some suggestions on stuff that's better.

You may not like BTVS: The Movie if you like...

• Joss Whedon's legitimate brainchild, BTVS: The Series. (Which many of us just affectionately call Buffy.)
• drama from this era (e.g., The Shawshank Redemption, Pulp Fiction, The Silence of the Lambs, Reservoir Dogs) 
• drama from any era (e.g., The Godfather, Memento, Apocalypse Now, The Departed)
• legit (intentional) comedy (e.g., The Hangover, The Blues Brothers, Dr. Strangelove, How to Train Your Dragon, Monty Python, The Princess Bride)

(PS-- See my latest Tube post for a quick rant on the rumored BTVS reboot)